last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
