He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
