I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
