There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
