So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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