I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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