At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
