I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize