tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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