hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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