Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
