Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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