You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
