This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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