totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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