White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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