Can Purell be used as lube?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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