my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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