fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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