i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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