She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
