for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
