We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
