You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
