just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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