At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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