My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
