My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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