Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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