it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You have to summon your inner elephant
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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