I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
