Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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