i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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