The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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