There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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