If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
