All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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