Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize