Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
