apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
