Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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