im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
