I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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