I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
