So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
...so i touched it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
