I didn't shave. On purpose
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
