it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
