fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
