I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
