I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
