Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
