just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize